Lightness & Darkness

The light in me sees the light in you.

And that dark glimmer you try so hard to hide? Ya, I see that, too. And that’s where I feel most connected to you.

Because I know how easy it is to check out; to think life is too hard and just throw your hands in the air.

Succumb to the Easy Way.

The heavy weight of your own baggage that threatens to take you in like quicksand.

Feeling like you’ll never figure ā€œitā€ out.

Being stuck in the past and wanting so badly to know how to break free.

That Despair? Confusion? Shame? Feel that, and know — without a doubt — that we get to come out of that, stronger and wiser than ever, if we chose.

Because that’s the thing – it’s always been Our Choice.

Sometimes people are gonna disappoint us. That’s normal. And sometimes we’ll be a disappointment.

Worst of all, sometimes we will disappoint ourselves.

Today, I urge you to dig deep into the infinite source of self-forgiveness and take as much time as you need — cry, nap, eat, connect, hibernate, practice Self Care like your life depends on it — and then move forward.

ā€˜Cause you always have and you always will. One day at a time.

And if it’s any token, as an equally lost soul once told me: I might not be able to help you get out, but I can sure as hell drag myself right alongside you.

Xo

Don’t Wait ā€˜til You’re Ready

Right after I graduated college, I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. All I wanted to do was move to New York City and become a model like I’d always dreamed of, but how? It felt like there was so much money, time, and work between my dreams and I.

Now, here I am, with all these experiences that tell me I’ve accomplished some semblance of my dream, and with an equal amount telling me I’ve fallen short and nothing has been good enough.

But if I could go back in time and show my then-self what my present reality looks like, he would be so relieved to know all the hard work was worth something. So, my challenge today is trusting that every tomorrow is leading me to this same experience. If my former self knew the successes he’d experience – would that relieve some anxiety? Can I adopt that same energy into my present-day life, knowing everything is going to work out?

The only problem is, the human mind quickly adapts to new things, and that whole ā€œgrass is green on the other sideā€ saying is totally true. So, how can I hold my future dreams at the forefront of my mind, yet allow myself to be deeply connected with My Now today? Because as much hope as tomorrow can provide, it is still not guaranteed, so how can I make My Today the best it can possibly be?

I choose to allow myself to simply Be today. With all the work ahead and all the distance I still have from my new goals, it’s OK to Be. It’s OK to enjoy. It’s OK to take a break. Everything is going to work out, and if it doesn’t, then it doesn’t.

Acceptance is my elixir.

Male Model True Life Story: Booking GQ Magazine

On the evening of March 28th, I was doing the usual: sitting around watching Netflix, drinking some tea, pretty much straight-up chillaxing. Then I received an email from a casting director:

Screen Shot 2018-08-11 at 11.12.39 AM

I’ve received emails like these tons of times. There was another huge magazine cover job a few months before that was looking for a “Hippe Jesus type,” and I submitted and heard nothing, so I didn’t expect much…

Long story short, by 5pm the next day I confirmed the booking.Ā As you can see, the rate for this job was definitely not going to make me rich.Ā That’s the way editorial modeling is: pretty much any magazine cover you see or editorial you see run in a national magazine — unless it’s a celebrity — the model was paid $100-$400 dollars tops for the day. So, the main purpose of the job for my modeling career wasn’t about the money, it was about gaining more Career Capital, i.e. more marketable shots to add to my book, which will help me book more jobs down the line, hopefully for large brands with day rates 10X+ higher than this job.

Screen Shot 2018-08-11 at 11.21.39 AM

It’s very rare to get a breakdown of the shotlist like this before a job, but I was grateful to have it. Basically, I was going to get one recognizable shot from this job, and the rest would be Parts’ tearsheets.

Arriving on set that day,Ā I was excited to work with the photographer, who I’d shot one of my very first jobs with years ago. The makeup artist was amazing, and so was the client. I was the only model booked that day, so it was just me and the team.

The shots we were going for were… (keep in mind, this is a men’s grooming editorial for natural products, so the main goal is to sell products)…

Natural toothpaste:

IMG_1686

Deodorant:

GQ High Rez Deod

(ps- had to shave my armpits for this one…)

Hair products:

GQ High Rez Bird's Nest

(as you can see from the original shot list, this concept changed to have my hair up rather than down)

Face masks (hero shot):

GQ High Rez Head Shot

I had these face masks on for about 45 minutes, so my face was a-tinglin’!

The Reality of the Situation

This job was between me and over 100 other guys, and according to the GQ Photo Producer on set, they narrowed it down to 20 guys, then selected me. Which isn’t to say “I’m so good, look at me,” since I’ve been “on hold” for hundreds of jobs that I didn’t book. I got lucky and the stars aligned.

I will make $110 for the 8 hours I was on set that day. That’s my net profit after my agent takes their percentage. And I’m writing this post 5 months later and still haven’t received the check, which is pretty normal for magazine work. I shot an 8-page editorial (a parts job, ie, just for shoes and watches) for British GQ Ā and — I’m not kidding — was paid exactly one calendar year later to the date.

A lot of my friends thought I became rich from this job! That definitely is not the case! If I didn’t have my Survival Job as a Real Estate Agent, I would not be able to live my dream as a male model in New York City. Period.

Walking into Barnes & Noble a few months later, picking up the magazine, and seeing myself in it was a surreal experience. I was in shock for about 2 weeks.

I mean, we’re talking about a small town Vermont kid who had a monthly subscription to GQ Magazine when he was a child, who now holds the same magazine in his hand with himself in it. Talk about full circle.

Check out the final tear sheets from the magazine:

So, that’s that! A dream came true and now I can say I’ve been in GQ Magazine, woohoo! I booked this job at 30 year’s old, so anyone reading this with a dream that people tell you you’re too old to follow, tell them to shove it. I know 30 isn’t old, but I had a lot of people tell me I would never have a career after 25, so this experience was honestly magical.

Check out my video showing a glimpse of my experience on the day of the shoot, and when I went and picked up the magazine thereafter.Ā Check out my Vlog about shooting GQ

Thank you, Universe, for this wonderful manifestation.