Tag: grief help

This is where I come from

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This is where I come from.

Vermont. The Country.

Of simple means. A roof over our heads and food in our stomachs.

But not much else.

A wood-burning stove.

An annual trip to the beach.

Friends who saved me but never knew it.

Big brother.

Surviving.

Terror and Dysfunction [not pictured].

Trauma and loss.

This is not your bedtime story.

Bloated faces, soaked in toxicity.

Is that you, Mom?

Yes, yes it was.

Until she Wasn’t.

10-3-2001.

The day you left us.

The day I changed.

Forever.

17 years later.

And it feels like yesterday.

Lightness & Darkness

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The light in me sees the light in you.

And that dark glimmer you try so hard to hide? Ya, I see that, too. And that’s where I feel most connected to you.

Because I know how easy it is to check out; to think life is too hard and just throw your hands in the air.

Succumb to the Easy Way.

The heavy weight of your own baggage that threatens to take you in like quicksand.

Feeling like you’ll never figure “it” out.

Being stuck in the past and wanting so badly to know how to break free.

That Despair? Confusion? Shame? Feel that, and know — without a doubt — that we get to come out of that, stronger and wiser than ever, if we chose.

Because that’s the thing – it’s always been Our Choice.

Sometimes people are gonna disappoint us. That’s normal. And sometimes we’ll be a disappointment.

Worst of all, sometimes we will disappoint ourselves.

Today, I urge you to dig deep into the infinite source of self-forgiveness and take as much time as you need — cry, nap, eat, connect, hibernate, practice Self Care like your life depends on it — and then move forward.

‘Cause you always have and you always will. One day at a time.

And if it’s any token, as an equally lost soul once told me: I might not be able to help you get out, but I can sure as hell drag myself right alongside you.

Xo

Dear Mom and Dad

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Pieces of my heart forever lost

Gone the day you left

Not a sun rises without you journeying through my mind

For I know I am forever in your company

No moon falls behind the morning horizon

Without the assurance of your pride

Should you see how far your sons have come

 

Thank you for the lessons I’ve learned through your absence

I wish I didn’t have to learn so many so fast

I stopped living my life from the viewpoint of a victim

No longer living off the fumes of it

 

But it still hurts

And I’m still mad, still sad, only now allowing the anger to emerge

Tears released

Compounded grief

And when it comes I feel it

I don’t hide anymore, I welcome it

And I feel the breeze

And know you’re there

And I feel carried away with the promise of a better life

I look back, but don’t stare

I avoid the mistakes you made

And may I forever be conscious of the blood running through my veins

And not allow your wavering missteps to discolor my world view

Or destroy me

 

Let me be open, let me be loving, let me be confident and bold

Let me take the chances you never took

And may I be brave enough to take the chances you did take

And may my dreams ever unfold and come true

May I create a happy life

And one day at a time carry on safely with compassion in my heart

 

Thank you for bringing me into this world

Into existence

Into freedom

A gardener and a carpenter

New England-bred wild children of the 60s and 70s

And may I always remember that I came through your love

I came from love

I am love

I’m strong, I’m brave, I’m resourceful

I’m healthy, I’m happy, I’m beyond

I’m lucky

 

I hope you made it to heaven

I hope heaven is real

And forever by an invisible string

May we be connected

Until we meet again

As light

 

RIP Dad (7/21/1956 — 7/30/2016); Mom (12/29/1955 — 10/03/2001)